Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Just Leave Me

...and I will remember why I love you so much.

Grant has been gone for three days, coming home tonight. In 2.5 hours, to be exact. When he is gone, I turn into a high functioning woman, capable of amazing things. Breakfast is hot and handmade, trips to the museums and parks are a given, laundry gets done (folded AND put away), play doh and finger paints and macaroni necklaces get made, dinner is on the table at 5p every evening full of vegetables and lean proteins and kids are in bed with baths and multiple books read precisely at 7p.

You get the idea. Cheers to me, I am fantastic.

Then at 715 I run completely out of steam. I allow myself to collapse on the couch with a beer and a book or the remote. Being a temporary single parent makes me incredibly efficient and completely sure that those parents who do this gig solo all the time are my heroes. Cheers to you, you are beyond fantastic.

Being apart from Grant for a few days always reminds me why I love him. I fell in love with him 11 years ago while he was in Haiti for a week. I thought maybe I could date him before he left, then I dropped him off at the airport and I knew I wanted to marry him. Something about him being gone made me realize all the spaces in life he filled. And how I never wanted those spaces to be empty again.

So when he travels for work or goes away with some guys for a weekend at the cabin, I fill those spaces myself with activity, projects, girl dates and the stack of books on my bedside table that never look as attractive as Grant does in those evening hours after the babes go to bed.

Then 715 comes. And the house is quiet. Suddenly there is nothing I want more then to hear Grant's thoughts about the conflict in Syria. Or remember why it is crazy that Miller advertises triple hopped beer as if it is something great, when all beer is technically triple hopped. After a day of autonomous decisions and confident action, I find myself standing in front of the fridge unable to remember the ingredients in a Gin and Tonic. I open my computer and look up things like What is a Whipple Procedure and Who was the Original Drummer for Pearl Jam. I remember that Grant told me not to use Google like Ask Jeeves and just type in search words, but I always put it in the form of a question. I want to snuggle up in that place under his arm and feel completely safe...until he grabs my boob. He always does.

Spaces.

When I write my marital autobiography I will call it Just Leave Me because when life is full of Curious George and sippie cups and dinosaur books, I go too long without being grateful for the spaces that Grant fills so beautifully. Until he leaves. And I count the hours until he walks back in the door, oozing with life and color and all the things I love so much about my best friend. We celebrate 10 years in January. Maybe the next decade of marriage my goal should be remembering why I love him while he is still in the room...


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