Thursday, June 14, 2012

The Decision to Let Go

This morning is one more blurry morning in what seems like a forever string of mornings stretching backward and forward as far as the half-open, sleepy eye can see. I feel like I have been sleeping like this forever- 1 or 2 hour stretches interrupted by the beginning whimper of a waking babe, and I desperately hope something will happen to take them back the other way. Back towards sleeping. Pixie dust? A gentle rock from the bouncy seat Knox sleeps in? The bottle of Benedryl I keep in the diaper bag for the emergency moment when we discover one of the babes is allergic to some food item and we are in the middle of nowhere?

It has been a cyclical pattern for the past 3 months. Pursy will start doing great- putting herself to sleep, motivated by the penny we drop into her piggy bank every time we check on her and she is in her big girl bed. Then Knox will start to sleep shorter intervals- waking up at midnight, 1:30, 2:45- you get the idea. For whatever reason, whether she hears him during the night or whether she is awakened by a nightmare where the world is suddenly out of green juice, Pursy starts appearing at the side of our bed several times a night. Then we are alternating whose turn it is to get out of bed and either rock Knox back to sleep or put Pursy back in her bed tucked in with Poohblanket, Tom and Kathleen (sock monkey couple not very loosely named after Tom Waits and Kathleen Brennan). Eventually Knox ends up in bed with us, nursing happily and sleeping soundly. And Grant and I try to fall asleep and forget that the sunrise is coming.

Add to this Carnie act of bearded ladies and little people riding turkeys, a two year old who is being gently potty trained. In other words, we are just trying to introduce things and keep it fun. But she has discovered that for whatever reason that Mommy and Daddy always let her get out of bed to sit on the potty. So at 3AM, I am sitting on the floor of her bathroom while she happily sits on her Sesame Street potty seat and chatters away at me about why Burt is yellow and Elmo has goggles on. Meanwhile I am calculating how much damage would be done to her confidence in me and to my bathroom floor if I just fell asleep and let her wipe herself, put a diaper back on and go back to bed.

So you get the point- I'm tired. Blah, blah, blabbity blah, right? My kids are healthy, happy and somehow forgive me for the days we stay at home all day while the sun is shining outside and the park is right down the street. But I have a hard time forgiving myself. I should be stronger then this... I should be able to get myself together and head out for a morning at the amazing Children's Museum we have a membership to. As much as I have read about mothers of multiple young babes, I should be patting myself on the back for my daily shower. Instead I look at mothers around me with shaved legs and invisible post baby bellies and clothes that were not purchased at Target for their sensibility or ability to have yogurt and baby puke washed out without leaving a mark. And I feel like I am missing something. Some seminar I was supposed to take where the secret of being a Mom who has time to get her eyebrows waxed and read Hemingway novels was shared.

But today, I decided to let it go. No, Grant, this doesn't mean I will start wearing my pajama pants to CVS to pick up chocolate milk and Nutter Butters for lunch. Today I decided that I will prioritize what are the most important things to me, and do those. So here is my Top Five for June 14th, 2012. It may change halfway through the day, and I hold onto the right to do that.

1. Take Shower and Shave Legs (all the way up- not just to an inch above where my skirt falls)
2. Make sweet potatoes for Knox so he has some solid foods to eat besides bananas and puffs
3. Listen to new Jack White album (for the first time) and The Welcome Wagon album (again)
4. It is beautiful outside. Take Pursy to park.
5. I am single parenting since Grant is away at a conference. Make sure I leave enough time for dinner, bath time, reading time and snuggle time before bed time so we aren't rushed and I can enjoy all the shenanigans.

As DJ Lance Rock, and now Pursy says- "Let's do it".

Boys and Trucks

Pursy cleaning up 

The babes watching the Public Service men trimming a sycamore outside our house.

Sibling Affection

Dancin with Daddy

I knew this day would come and I LOVE it

Snuggly Post Bath Babe

2 comments:

  1. Both in the bath! I love this! Your posts are incredible because even though I am not married and not a mother, I feel like I can still relate to your stream of consciousness and it's a real privilege to be in audience to your thoughts. Love you, Christy! I need to call you soon.

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  2. Ok, I'm impressed. I haven't shaved above my knee since... Um... A longtime.

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