Monday, March 26, 2012

Thrice

Last night at 7:30 more than 12 shots were fired before the shooter hit his target. A mother lost her son, an aunt lost her nephew and revenge was served in a neighborhood where children play in front yards. My children.

Two weeks ago there was a shooting at WIPC- the psych hospital connected to Presbyterian Hospital- where I spend every Friday night on the 3rd floor. Last week the shooting that created last night's retaliation was 3 blocks away- last night's was across the street.

I do not know how to process, so I write. I am afraid and sad. After three months I already love this neighborhood. Before we moved here we committed to this city. We knew that East Liberty wasn't as "safe" as State College, but most places aren't.

I pray every night over Purslane and Knox that I would trust that God loves them more than I do. I pray for wisdom and patience to be their Mama and try to remember that I accepted God's covenant over them when I baptized them. I think I have also admitted on this blog that under my breath I beg that He would never really ask me to fully let go of them.

But both of the shootings in our neighborhood happened during times when we could have been out for a walk. Last week we were walking at the exact time and place where a young man died last night. I am not in control. I am being asked to fully let go and trust that God called us here.

And I don't want to. I want a guarantee from God that if I read the Bible to Pursy every night and take them to church and Bible Study and love Grant and serve the church and cook meals for homeless men that He will protect us. But I am too reformed to say that out loud- I know that all I can do is say the prayer I say every night and believe it.

God, please help me to believe that You love my children more than I do.

3 comments:

  1. I feel this way about living in the city too. I love it. We're called to it. And at the same time I want to live in a nice safe suburb where I will worry less.

    Thinking of you <3

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  2. I have had to ask Him that continually Christie, and the fear can be debilitating. I remember holding each of them for the first time and wondering if I could ever feel more vulnerable than I did at the moment. Then watching them lose so much at such young ages and wanting to save them from the pain it would cause them at each stage of their lives. All I could do was trust in God's sovereignty and place them in His arms of unfailing love. It's interesting to note that the term used to describe God's unfailing love and compassion in Isaiah 54:10 means to love as a mother loves a newborn. God loves each of us that way, may this comfort you knowing that He is in control and that all things are in our lives to refine us in to his image and to lead us to depend on Him, not ourselves. Praying for you...

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  3. My heart is with you, Christy. When faced with my own possible death - several years before I ever had children, I realized that with God, with the new covenant, we are SAFE. But safety doesn't mean perpetual perfect happy life. It means that whatever happens, even the most awful nasty ugly things that can happen to us, whether done by other people, ourselves, things, accidents, illnesses, etc, that we are ULTIMATELY safe with Him in the promise of eternal life. It's both the essence of Christianity and the hardest truth to really grasp. I kinda hate that I have to grasp it all over again for my children. And like you, I hope I never get given the chance. But I think giving up that fear - coming to a deeper understanding of Jesus' work on the cross and the true meaning of safety, is what w as moms are called to do. We simultaneously protect them with ever sinew in our body, and lt them liv without a constant fear of losing them? So not easy. I love your honesty, girl. You bring up the hard questions.

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