Friday, January 13, 2012

My Dark Place

Here is where I am right now. It seems like every time I pick up the phone, read an email or meet someone for coffee I find that individual is experiencing a raw tragedy. Not the removed "my neighbor's grandmother has heart failure" that you do pray for because it is a shitty way to end your life, but these things my friends are going through are close to home and intensely painful. And I can't help but say it- UNFAIR.

I know as a good Christian and a Presbyterian that I am supposed to use these opportunities to give and receive grace, but I am struggling to find a silver lining or anything good at all in these situations. And I am angry. And fearful, because if these things can happen to my best friend they can happen to me. If someone's child can be kidnapped and murdered- so can mine. If someone's husband can contract bacterial meningitis and be fighting for his life- so can mine. If someone's daughter can be bravely gaining ground on a life-threatening condition and then have a stroke and be going home on hospice- so can mine. If someone's home can catch on fire and they have seconds only to grab their children and lose everything else- so can mine. These are dark and unimaginable life circumstances- and while I pray for these individuals (all of whom are in my life) I grab my own children and husband and never want to let them out of my sight- as if somehow my fragile arms can protect them.

And so in my own head I am screaming- where is God? And I admit to Him, because I do not think He is afraid of hearing it, that I would rather have my children safe and sound than experience His grace in a powerful way. And then my old sin of fear strangles me with the idea that my questioning His goodness means that He will need to teach me a lesson. And I wonder if tragedy did strike our family, would I still love Him and call Him Father?

Again, I am using this blog to put my real thoughts into the void. Pray for me. Pray for the people I mentioned who are walking through the valley of the shadow of death. I know in my head that these things are not the result of God looking the other way, but the result of sin in the world. And I know in my head that God grieves more then I do watching His human children suffer. I know that. In my head. But my arms never want to know the emptiness of losing a child and I never want the other side of my bed to be empty from the loss of Grant. This is my dark place.


  1. Prayers and thoughts heading your way, Beautiful Cousin, for you, and for those loved ones who are going through such terrible things.

  2. I've struggled with this a lot since the death of my 5 year old cousin 2 years ago. I've seen how tragedy can just come out of nowhere and destroy all the things I view as good. I get overwhelmed by all the sorrow in the world even when things are not happening to me. I become paranoid. It's my dark place too. You've got my prayers.