I should be sleeping. Knox is back asleep after nursing but will be awake in 3 hours and I should be sleeping.
But he is 3 weeks old today and I am just now starting to think about things other then baby. My head is clearing, my body is healing and suddenly the other part of myself- the 31 year old woman part- is freaking out just a little. Because next weekend my little brother is getting married and I haven't really had time to ponder that. I remember the day he came home from the hospital, I remember how he used to call those little Fisher Price plastic people "beeble", I remember helping him with his paper route and I remember the day he graduated from High School. He is a man now and found himself a good woman- and now they have a gift registry together with table settings and towels. He is getting married. And as life goes, I have been living mine in sundry locations across the country for the past 16 years and I haven't talked to him as much as I wish I would have. I don't know things about him that I wish I did. But I do know that he is crazy happy and is going into this whole marriage business with a clear head. I do know that he is going to be a good husband.
I am also looking at the empty walls in the living room where pictures used to hang. Grant has already started packing things up in the anticipation that the next 6 weeks are going to pass by quickly- and I think he is right. I have known for a while now that we are moving to Pittsburgh- he went the weekend after Knox was born and bought us a house, so it's official. And I am so excited for his new job and the end of grad school for him. I am excited about returning to urban living, good Thai food right around the corner, a cool Children's Museum and miles of sidewalks to walk, Art theatres and music venues, and my pick of state of the art hospitals. Pittsburgh is going to be good to our family, I know it. But for the first time maybe in my entire adult life, I don't want to leave a place- not because I am in love with State College but because I have family here. I have sisters that knew me before babies, trudged through pregnancy with me, and have now been raising my babes with me. Those are the girls you want to hold on to forever. And I know that Happy Valley is a transient place- in 5 years none of these people will still be here. Grad school will end, jobs will move and we will be sending Christmas cards to each other across the country. But it is pretty utopian right now- dinners at each others houses, walks downtown, church together every Sunday. And being KNOWN. We have lived here for almost 5 years and are reaping the benefits of all those times we put ourselves out there and hoped someone would meet us halfway. We have a true community and I love these people with all my heart. Grant and I used to joke about how hard it was to make friends when you are married because you aren't just trying on one person, you are figuring out if your spouse likes their spouse and if the four of you are compatible. I count Alex, Sam, Mark and Bill as some of my closest friends and am very aware of how rare that is. Our friends have strengthened our marriage by being so transparent in their own. In my wildest dreams, the 2.5 hour drive to Pittsburgh won't change any of these friendships and I know at their core it won't- but it won't be the same. There will be "catching up" phone conversations and major life events that will have to be viewed as a photo album on facebook.
Pittsburgh, you have some work to do. Bring out your best people and get them ready to put themselves out there- because I am going to need some.
Okay, tears flowing freely and really need to go to bed before little man wakes up again. This is life at 2AM.