Wednesday, September 7, 2011


What could I have done differently so this morning didn't go down like it did? I really try to stay away from even culturally acceptable derogatory terms like "redneck" or "white trash" because I wouldn't be that pleased with someone using the term  "cardiac nurse" or "31 year old mom" to describe something they had done that they were embarrassed about doing. So instead of labeling, I will just describe what my morning looked like and you can ascribe whatever descriptor you want. Just don't say it is inevitable because I will go sit in my room and cry.

I worked last evening so got home around 2330 and wasn't asleep until after midnight. This automatically means that Grant gets up with Pursy in the morning because my 8 1/2 month pregnant body can't process basic functions on only 7 hours of sleep. So he got up this morning and performed his spously/fatherly duties of feeding, dressing and watching SportsCenter with babe while I slept another hour. They woke me up at 830- precisely 27 seconds before Grant was hoping to walk out the door to work. It was pouring down rain, so I was giving him a lift. He really was being considerate by letting me sleep as long as possible, but this left me with no time to shower, figure out what to drape my enormous preggo self in or eat breakfast. Thus, by the time I squeezed myself behind the wheel of the car- I was (in our words about Pursy) a grumpster monkey.

Once we dropped him off, my blood sugar was already in the toilet. I was nauseated, sweaty and wondering if those new breakfast sandwiches at Wendy's were better in person then they looked on the commercials. I decided that even on the off chance that the annoying employee in the commercials had his home base in State College, PA he wouldn't stand a chance of not getting punched in the smug little face- so I opted for the grocery store to choose breakfast from the bakery case. If I drove 1/2 mile further, I would be at Wegmans where whole wheat organic options were bountiful. However, I know lots of people who could possibly also be at Wegmans at that hour on a Wednesday morning and no deodorant had me already smelling like a junior high boy after gym. I pulled into the closer grocery store where my options for breakfast were frosting or no frosting on my doughnut.

Once inside the store and halfway through my chocolate cake doughnut (I am so sorry Grant, I know I promised not to do this) my head cleared and I took a look at myself. I was in a pajama tank top, khaki pants, a non-maternity zip up hoodie and Reefs. I was a horrifying assortment of too big and too small, covered in crumbs and not quite sure what my next move should be. My saving grace was that Grant had dressed Purslane that morning and she looked like a cute miniature hipster. She brought my overall aura up a few notches.

So what could I have done? Sacrificed sleep for showering? Had a pantry stocked with nutritious on the go snacks I could have grabbed on my way out the door? Told Grant he would be 8 seconds late for work and put on a real shirt? Yes. So insert whatever word you like here, this morning was a redneck morning. But at least I chose the doughnut without frosting.

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