Monday, May 16, 2011
Saturday afternoon I spent completely by myself. I went to see a movie, leisurely bought makeup, and almost bought a jean jacket that I am SO glad I passed up.. ran into at least 12 women over the course of the afternoon sporting the same jacket- which I HATE. So it wasn't anything mind-blowing, but I was alone. And I surprised myself by wishing more then once over those few hours that Grant and Purslane were with me- I missed them. But the feeling of being responsible for no one but myself was much needed. I love being a Mom and a Wife, but months go by before you realize that you haven't taken a truly deep breath because you are always making sure everyone around you is breathing.
I ended up buying Grant a present- the newly released Blue Valentine which has one of our favorite actors- Ryan Gosling- in the lead. After we put Pursy to bed, we snuggled up on the couch and watched a movie together. Two hours later, I am doing that kind of sobbing where you are grabbing the front of your shirt because it feels like your heart is falling out and you have to hold it in. This was one of the best movies I have seen- maybe since In America.
It is not a happy movie that makes you want to go stand over your babies crib and watch them sleep. It is the kind of movie that makes you want to grab them out of their crib and hold them as tight as you can because you need them to know you are still there. If you haven't seen this film, skip to the next paragraph because I am about to ruin the ending. The final scene, Ryan Gosling's character is walking away and his 5 year old daughter comes running after him and grabs onto his belt, trying to make him stay. All you hear is her little voice saying "Daddy, don't leave". Michelle Williams (Gosling's wife in the film) comes out of the house and goes after her daughter. She picks her up and whispers "Mommy's still here". The little girl's skinny bare legs are hanging down, and she buries her head in William's shoulder... sobbing.
This is not the point of the film- their daughter together is actually one of many side stories that made this film so intense and complex. The point of the film is their love story, and Grant and I found ourselves in the film- both happily and painfully. There is a conversation they have where he looks at her and says "You promised for better or worse. This is my worse. You can't leave because you promised". Grant and I held hands tighter and remembered where we have said very similar things to each other. Sometimes all you have in a marriage is the promise that you would stay together. Not that you feel like it or that things are clicking along so easily- but because goddammit you promised. And in that moment you find the grace of God the most present.