Saturday, January 1, 2011

Why Isn't It Easier to Count Your Blessings?

If is officially 2011. Officially for 32 minutes but I am already feeling crushed under the weight of a new year. All of my high hopes to be better ____ (enter adjective here) in 2010 are feeling like even more of a collosal failure now that the year is gone. Slipped through my fingers like sand. Purslane is 8 months old and I didn't even blink. I feel like tomorrow I will be watching her graduate from college. I almost can't breathe.

I feel so cliche for using these first few moments of 2011 to lament the ways I didn't change the world in 2010. But maybe if I get the thoughts out of my head I will be able to forgive myself and march staunchly into this new year. After all, today- just like yesterday- Grant is in graduate school and needs a supportive spouse. Purslane is learning new things every day and needs a vigilant and loving mother. My friends are living their lives, going through their own struggles and need a loyal and optimistic partner. My cardiac patients at the hospital will still be sick and need my experience and passion for nursing. If I really think hard about it, I am not one of those individuals who, if I died tomorrow, no one would notice. And even when I am feeling crushed by the weight of my daily responsibility it is a blessing to be needed and depended upon. (I am now officially acting as the narrator for my own blog post... all I need is a femme fatale, a stark black and white coloring scheme and some dark alleys and I have a brilliant film noire)

It hit me today that one of my dearest friends moved away right before Christmas. I knew she did of course, but with the holidays, family coming into town, Christmas and New Years parties, I really have not had a "normal" day without her to notice the gaping hole. I don't think we ever talked at 1230 at night before, but I am distressed tonight with the reality that if I WANTED to drive to her house tonight and have a bourbon, I COULDN'T. I miss you Amy.

So back to my failures as a human being. If I look at myself on paper, I am pleased. I am a healthy, contributing member of society, I vote, I have a good job with the ability to support myself and my family, I got married to a good man and have a functional and loving marriage, I produced offspring that will be raised to be a healthy, contributing member of society, I own a home, I graduated from two very good schools with a BA and a BSN, I exercise three days a week and read stimulating books. I also am working on seeing every movie nominated for an Oscar, which I am interpreting as my passion for the culture in which I live my life.

My failures are on the invisible level and only those I have invited (or have pushed their way in) to the confusing labyrinth that is my heart and soul know that I thought by age 30 I would be much more content with myself. I have a million things to be thankful for- things that actually blossomed in 2010- the year in which I am lamenting as a complete cluster. Why isn't is easier to recognize my blessings?

Such as- my sweet husband is asleep in our bed waiting for me to come join him. So I will. And maybe in the morning I will delete this post and write something happier. Anyway... Happy New Year everyone!!

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